My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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