You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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