last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
