I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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