So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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