you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
