She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
