We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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