god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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