The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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