Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
