i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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