So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
