The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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