Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
