DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
