I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
