I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
false alarm, still single
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