you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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