i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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