"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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