Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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