Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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