dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
