idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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