i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
