So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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