i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
