so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
