If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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