wrigley field is MILF paradise
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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