watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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