Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
