awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
