alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
