im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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