Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
