it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
