why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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