Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
