Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
