You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
