checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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