I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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