Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
