Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
