yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
