I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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