exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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