I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
