Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
