Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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