I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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