At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
