Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When did angry sex become our thing?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize