dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
