I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
