I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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