I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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